Cotton Candy Larry Land

The last couple of weeks I've been trying to get in shape. Gotta lose some of the beauty fat I've been holding onto! I've been getting lots of looks from the babes lately, but not the good kind. I think my determination to lose some poundage came the day I met Larry.
Three weeks ago I was taking a little jog down the beach to the cotton candy stand when I tripped over this sea turtle and landed on Larry's chest. He let out a screech like I usually do when my coin purse hits the cold parts of the ocean. It was obvious he was hurt, so I quickly got up and made sure he was still conscious. To my surprise the little guy had been knocked out completely, maybe even dead!
My years of special forces training sprung into action and I began CPR. I began pounding on his chest and than blowing air into his mouth when he suddenly sputtered to life. I was holding his head in my hand saying,

“Dude! Dude! You ok?”
And that's when it happened. With his eyes squinting and the sun most likely in his eyes, I heard the words that made me know I had to get rid of this shape and get a new one. He barely whispered to me,
“Chris Farley? What are you doing here?”
Needless to say I wasn't in the mood for cotton candy anymore. I got up, dropped Larry from my arms and took a seat on what is now the sea turtle I killed. I put my head in my hands and could smell the BBQ sauce on my fingers from lunch. Right before I almost let myself cry, I stood up, threw my BBQ rib stained fist in the air and yelled. I was so emotionally distraught I didn't really yell anything in particular, but it was the war cry I needed to get my self going. I started jogging again and went right by the cotton candy stand and into the local health spa.
As for Larry, he's out there somewhere, probably with multiple fractures and contusions, but I think he would be proud to know he inspired me to get back in shape. Here's to Larry and his concave chest. Thanks Bro!

Surf hard, but never naked,

Saving Private Pip

Wow, I practically forgot I had a blog! Thought I would get on here and enlighten you on one of my most recent boarding adventures. Just last Tuesday, I had finished surfing with Philip, I call him Pip. Anyway, Pip and I were standing on the beach chatting, when this dude comes up and start talking with Pip and asking him about his board. It seemed normal at first, but then I started to get weirded out by the guy.

Being in the special forces for such a long time, I started to get all these crazy thoughts that he was a spy or trying to create a diversion from something going on elsewhere on the beach. Just like that, the dude unbuckled his life preserve and started to reach inside.

With lighting reflexes, I began to work on instinct and adrenaline alone. I pushed Pip out of any immediate danger, performed a barrel role and threw sand in the guys face. Blinded, I tackled him, putting him a lateral vascular neck restraint. A few moments later Pip rushed over and told me to let go of his cousin Raymond. Turned out the guy only had an itch.

Man was I embarrassed, but at least I know I've still got it. I guess little Ray-Ray, as I like to call him now, was just lucky I didn't have my gun on me that day. Anyway, until next time.






This actually looks like Pip and Ray-Ray except not indian and blonde hair instead of black, oh and less muscle more stringy.









Surf hard, but never naked,

The Dreaded Seaweed

Wow, it's been awhile, but the waves have just been perfect and I couldn't pass up the opportunities. However that isn't the entire reason I've been gone. Last week I got really sick when I accidentally swallowed a piece of seaweed that must have had something nasty on it. I was running back and forth to the toilet every ten minutes. I think I lost the last 12 inches of my large intestine from pooping so much. Anyway I'm on the way out of my illness and Hershey Squirts right now and will give you the low down on my most recent adventure involving my missing swim trunks.

How I became, Drownin' Downin'

Image via Wikipedia

So, I've gotten a lot of questions about my nickname and I figure better now to get this story out of the way than later. First time I got on a surfboard, I was 27 years old and had only been aquainted with surfboarding through the Elvis movie "Blue Hawaii". Elvis was a big inspiration for my non-dread do back in the day.

Anyways, the first time I hit the water on my brand new lime green surfboard, I had my buddies standing on the beach watching giving little if no moral support. I saw my first large wave breaking and in the excitement of the moment, I forgot a very key component to surfing: The standing up part. As the wave soared above me, I went to inhale and caught a mouthful of water instead. I lost my board and consciousness, only to be awakened by a mermaid pulling me onto the shore. She put me on the back of a sea turtle and pulled me onto the grass. It was only later that I realized that the mermaid was just a lifeguard and the sea turtle was a stretcher, but I will never forget the beautiful mermaid that saved me.

My friends have ever since that moment, called me Drownin' Downin'. The problem is, is that this was not my only time being rescued. For the next month, I was given mouth to mouth so many times, I could tell you how many fillings the lifeguard had. Here's to you, Patsy, my little mermaid saviour.


Until next time, surf hard, but never naked,

Image via Wikipedia

Aloha!

Its time I take the plunge into the digital diary world with this blog. First off, lets get all the personal stuff out of the way. My name is Bill, Bill McDowning. My friends and surfing buddies refer to me as Drownin' Downin' due to my terrible surfing skills when I began learning how to surf. I am a former Special Agent from a task force that shall remain nameless. I retired over 15 years ago and am now making a comfortable living as a surfboard specialist and surfing enthusiast. Many people joke that I am the only guy who surfs with a gun in my pants; if they only knew...

Anyway, If I'm not surfboarding with the fellas, I'm hitting up the local singles bar to party like a rockstar and dazzle the babes with the irresistible McDowning charm. Few have been able to resist its power.

I'm sure you're wondering about the dreads and a guy like me having them. I've always been a huge Bob Marley fan, however being in the special forces, it was never possible to have them. I've been growing them out ever since I retired and I've never been more happy. Here's to you Bob Marley!

Until next time, surf hard, but never naked,